miss hummel (internaltears) wrote,
miss hummel

Some thoughts...

I know that I need to make changes in my life which i have been doing a lot of lately, regarding Christ of course. I am finally entirely ready to change and to live a life that speaks volumes of Christ and brings constant glory to Him. I do not need to be a slave to sin anymore. I am a child of the risen king! I have grace because He has given it to me. I know, finally that i do not need to have sin in my back pocket. I don't need a fall-back plan for when I fail, because because of Christ, I don't ever have to fail like that ever again. He has given me complete and total freedom from the bondage of sin through His grace and through His son. I am ready to truly rely on Him every time I am tempted so that I never have to live like that again. He allowed me to lose everything to see how much I need Him. And He took me back with open arms as He has so many times. But I can't always be a prodigal. There has to be a point and time when the prodigal finally smartens up and comes home for good. I am determined to do that now only by the grace of God! "I will not quit, by God's grace I can do it". I know now there are steps that i really need to be making in my life an some are very hard. I think one of the hardest for me is purging people out of my life. I don't want to keep those people as a back-up plan in case I fail, really I want to make sure that there is no chance of a back-up plan if i fail. I want to make sure that I don't have room to fail. I want to prove to God that I am serious this time. That I am in this for the long run, that there is no turning back. And it's hard because i know I said that before. There is the text that nancy has that says , "I have decided (to choose to) follow Jesus. No turning back, by the grace of God, no turning back. I am tired of wanting to be willing, nan, I am willing.". Well, i said that and i failed. And as Andy said last night, i make all these emotional decisions and i put everything i have into doing right but then i fall and i put everything I have into falling. I don't want to make emotional decisions anymore, I want to live for Christ and I want to put everything I have into it. But i need to find the line between true virtue (the desire to be like Christ) and emotion. But one thing I know, I am done with failing. I know I cannot cannot cannot do it on my own, and that every ounce and strength and courage must come from Christ, but I am ready to follow Christ and to begin molding my life into what it needs to be in order for me to be exactly what He wants me to be and to begin to find the path He has for my life, which i truly believe is in full time ministry.

So, if anyone reads this, pray for me. Encourage me. That's all i ask.
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